Archive | May, 2016

Do Not Let Others Define You! You Define Yourself

If you have been defining yourself with negative emotional coloring, you might want to remember your emotional response lasts only 90 seconds. Then a new emotion pops up. Some of us sense put downs to the words or even to the assessment of, say, “Female”, “American”, “Mexican”, and/or “Religious.” Some of us feel constantly judged in our interactions with others. This behavior on the part of other is named “prejudice”, and you will find it almost everywhere in some form.

You may not know that you can change your own negative response (your own opinion of self) to a positive response if you know how.

You can choose your next emotion. Do it. Pick a positive response.

If you are a woman, remember all your wins… your children, your successes, your circle of friends, whatever matters too you.

If you are disabled, remember your talents.

There are heroes and heroines in all categories. Select a category that fits you. Use these to create your emotional landscape. Enjoy your position and your view and your talents. You are one of a kind. Each time you shift from negative energy to positive, you shorten the time needed.

After awhile this becomes unconscious and your health will improve.
Also your disposition. Enjoy your life and your culture, as mysterious as it seems.

A Different Hurtle for Defining Yourself

The basic mental shenanigan at work when we interact with others is PROJECTION. We slide our emotional state onto others and think this is reality. If we feel “put down”, It is difficult to respond honestly with this distorted view. Our distorted view may push us to feel superior to others so we have a tendency to view them as ‘ “lower class”, “stupid,” “stunted,” “oblivious”,etc. Then we project this on to the other, and our interactions are a disaster.

Once we become aware of our own wish to feel special, then we are growing up and can let others be the way they are, without distortion. We can let them be “different”, “smart”,”clever”, “intelligent”, “handsome”, “pretty”, “creative”, or whatever. This allows you to be comfortable with your own habits, attitudes, talents, shortcomings, etc. We are not necessarily the way they judge us and they are not necessarily the way we judge them.

If you can give up judgement and try curiosity instead, your interactions will change and your opinion of yourself and others will improve. I guarantee it.

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You Have Three Realities

Number 1 is your inside world, your emotions, your feelings (aren’t these the same thing?), your world view, your disposition, your personality, your likes and dis-likes, your sense of self.

Number 2 Reality is the outside world, the people, the sounds, the colors, the shapes, the emotions of those near you.

Number 3 Reality is where these two worlds meet. This may be as far as your eyes can see, near the edge of your skin or it may be at the end of your aura, or it may be miles away, if you practice mindfulness.

If you think of your moment to moment consciousness this way (with three perspectives, all different), it is clear why you sometimes have a hard time making a decision.

You might want to stop and ask yourself, “How does this decision affect all three of my worlds?”

It becomes confusing to know what is right for you? Should I marry or no? Should I go to school longer? Or get a job? Should I stay here or move to….far away?

There is, possibly, even a No. 4 reality, the culture we live in. The belief of what is normal and what is weird lies in the beliefs of the collective others. Even if you have decided to be “different” and not bound by the norm, the culture does impact your decisions. It takes more energy to go counter to your culture than to abide by its “normal”. No wonder you can get tied into knots about big decisions. Going to a movie or not is not a big deal whereas going to Africa to help the refugees is much more difficult. These 4 realities make the entire endeavor of deciding even more complex.

Yet once aware of the forces implicit in each of these important considerations can improve your chances of making the “right” decision for you. We are all different because our brains summon up different chemicals to our individual experiences, so your decision will only work for you, no one else.

Being aware of all 4 of these realities can assist your brain chemicals in working to your benefit. If you focus on each reality for a moment then check out the others one by one, you can use your imagination to find the one that turns you on. That’s the right one.

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I was once hired by Wells Fargo Bank for the “precise purpose of “turning bankers into human beings”.

The purpose of this article is less presumptuous—-to validate and add some ideas for all those who have chosen the goal of “Conscious” business decisions. The use of “Conscious” here means that decisions are based on ascertaining what is good in the deal for both parties or all parties involved. Forget win-lose. In business deals this doesn’t work.

Success depends on all parties being happy with the final arrangement. There are better goals for business leaders than raw financial. The unexpected good news is that research shows substantial financial gains from conscious decisions in business. The founder of Whole Foods wrote a book on this, “Conscious Capitalism.” This is a book worth reading. The small miracles that seem to accompany conscious business decisions are certainly interesting.

The skills and thinking processes presented here will protect you from the stigma of being a “typical salesperson,” whether you are male or female. You may not think of yourself as a salesperson. You probably see yourself as an employee, agent, financier, even a banker, but no matter what your work is, you are selling your ideas to others. Ideas are hard sells, so these processes and skills are the specialized ones needed for difficult sales.


Sales approaches only work if you are “Congruent” when you are presenting your idea or a service you believe in. Congruent means that all of your many sub-personalities (the ambitious one, the lazy one, the alert one, the sleepy one) are in agreement about the intrinsic worth of your proposed package.
If you do not think what you are offering is the greatest thing going in its category, your non-verbals will give you away in subtle signs. Your words will back fire. How do you think “car salesman” got its taint?

So a prerequisite for conscious selling is that you find a product or service or idea that you truly believe in and that you know will benefit the other.


Knowing what rapport is and knowing how to create it is the most important skill a conscious business person can have. Rapport is trust in competence for the task at hand. Once you are displaying the non-verbal signs of congruence, you open the door to trust on the other person’s part. Establishing trust is mostly non-verbal, but it is an attractive state, and we gravitate toward it if the outward signals are right.

I’ve long held the belief that when you lie, cheat or steal, eventually you are found out and punished in some exquisitely perfect manner. Not everyone believes this. Some of those at Enron, Tyco and Arthur Anderson belong to this group, or so it seems to me. If they had thought they’d end up on the front page of the New York Times as felons, maybe they’d have tried integrity instead.

If you have congruence and integrity, then rapport just sort of unfolds.


Once you have found the product or service or idea, you can simply relax and notice what is happening in the interaction with the decision maker. Fear and tension have killed more sales and creative ideas than any other emotions. Once you have attained congruence, you will probably find these problems have disappeared and you are enjoying your work.

Rapport between people occurs naturally if you are honest, competent, congruent, enjoying the interaction, and believe in your product or idea. Once the fear and tension of making a mistake disappear, 8 hours seems short. Your energy shifts into the energy of integrity.


If you try these skills and they do not work, then it may be time to find another product, learn to listen to your sub-personalities, as well as your clients, and practice the energy of truth and honesty. These are the crucial ingredients of a conscious salesperson and leader in 2016.

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